Thursday, May 28, 2009

Things I Hate (#1)

You know what I hate? People who toast. People who take their glass - no matter if it's filled with $100 wine or Dr. Schnee - hold it in the air and make some ridiculous statement that will be the reason we all should drink.

"To great friends!"

"To Billy and Jessica."

"To true love!"

"To our journey in life and the choices we've made that have brought us all together tonight!"

"To wasting my time and letting my beer get warm!"

It's not that I hate friends getting together. Quite the contrary. I love it. There is nothing more enjoyable than 4+ people, all of whom enjoy the company of one another, sitting on a patio in the spring and sipping some suds. Nothing beats that. If I could pick a perfect evening, that is it right there. Head to a bar, turn on a baseball game and everyone sit around laughing at all the self-important people around us toasting.

But Jason, how will people know you enjoy it if you don't clink your glass with their glasses?

You know how? Because I'm doing it. The plans were made, I said I'd go and here I am. What's the motivation behind the lead toaster? "They said they wanted to come, but this will be the ultimate all of us coming together!" Fail.

The only place toasting should be allowed is weddings. The place it should never be acceptable is when shots are being taken. Weddings = classy. Shots = alcohol irresponsibility. Want to get messed up a lot faster than we would casually drinking beers like adults? Hell yeah! Vodka shooters, man. One, two............oh wait, what should we drink to? To finding the woman of our dreams while slurring our speech after these shots. Three!

But what really chaps my ass about toasting is that I'm usually mid drink when the lead toaster starts making a toast. I've got 1/4 of my Bud Select already making its way through my blood stream when I hear, "What should we drink to?" How about to you realizing you left the iron on and having to go home.

And what's worse is when there are 10 people sitting at a giant table. That means I have to stand up and reach across the table to toast your sister's boyfriend's imported beer. God forbid we don't clink everyone's glass. Then the toast won't come true. Will you years from now be like Mouth in The Goonies? "This toast......this toast right here.....this was mine. And it didn't come true. I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back."

So I raise my glass to you, the person strategically positioned at the head of the table who is loving too much the fact we all got together. Here's to no more wasted moments. Here's to you finally knowing that the reason I'm drinking is because it's $2 you-call-its and not because I want world peace. Here's to never again having to sit and wait for you to stumble over your two-syllable words that make up the toast we will all laugh about later when you leave.

Here's to never toasting again.


  1. 1. Who are Billy and Jessica?

    2. Why do you have enough time on your hands to write a blog?

    3. If you are allowed to hate toasts then I am allowed to hate our short term next door neighbors.

    4. Notre Dame Football is Life!!!

  2. Oh, and I'm going to toast something every time I see you now.