Friday, August 28, 2009

Things I Hate (#2)

You know what I hate? Poker. I hate the people who play poker. I hate the channels that air poker. I hate Matt Damon for starring in Rounders, a movie that made more stupid people want to play poker.

I hate poker.

My biggest problem with poker is the fact that I can't hate poker without people acting like I just said I hate Jesus.

"Why? Why don't you like it? Why don't you want to play?"

If I ask someone if they want mayoinnase on a sandwhich, and they say no, I don't throw a fit.

"Why don't you want mayoinnase? What's the problem? It'll be good."

And therein lies my hatred for the game. It's that others think it is the greatest thing on Earth, that they will someday end up wearing a hat on ESPN2.

I've tried to play the game in the past. And there's always that one person. You know the guy. He's sitting there passing out cards like he's Gambit. He rattles off stupid terms that he knows are stupid, that nobody else uses and that he just Googled, only to condesendingly explain what it means when everyone looks at him blankly.

"You don't know what a 'broadway' is? It's a 10 through ace straight." I hate that guy. And if you've never played with that guy, you're that guy.

I hate how someone ALWAYS quotes Rounders and how it's ALWAYS Teddy KGB. I love movie references. They make up 95% of my dialogue. But when I just lost $20 that I didn't want to pony up in the first place, I don't want to hear your broken record of "it hurts, doesn't it? Your hopes dashed, your dreams down the toilet."

If poker is so great, why is that you always "just need one more guy" to get a game going? I have never been in a situation where there were too many people who wanted to play poker. And why the shortage of players? People should be lining up around the block just for the chance to play. If that's not the case, blindly call someone up.

"I don't know, man. Free pizza and naked chicks? I'm kind of tired. What's that? Poker? Be right over." Boom. Done.

The absolute worst is when you're already at someone's house and someone whips out a deck of cards.

"Brought some cards in case anyone wanted to play poker?" No. If I wanted to play poker, I would be playing poker already. I came over here to hang out, talk about how much I hate people like you and not throw away my money.

My beaches of Normandy is walking into someone's house and seeing a dogs playing poker photo on their basement wall. That means you know you're going to have to play poker. With no other hobby is there some stupid unverisal painting that says "Hate Me" like that photo. None. If that photo was shown to me as part of a Rorschach Test, I would say, "Impending Awfulness."

And if I ever get coaxed into playing, after I've accepted that fact that I just lost $20, I become Sisyphus because someone always plays the "why don't you buy back in" card. Always. It's pointless to go Sad Sack on them, because when you're playing poker, you're the most generous person on the planet.

"No, man. I gotcha. You can just pay me back." If I asked you for $20 five hours ago you would have told me to go to hell. Now, psh, it's only money.

Not to me it's not. It's money on top of another 2 hours wasted watching you biding your time, just waiting for your hand, just itching to drop "I flopped a nut straight" on the table.

And I will hate you for it.

1 comment: