Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Worst of the Worst

Article on CNN today that ruined my morning. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/08/10/hand.modeling/index.html?iref=newssearch

"Their Hands are Worth $1,200 a day"

It's an article on hand models. It's an article that made me hate people even more than I do now. It's bad. It's so bad I almost clicked over to FoxNews instead.

The reporter, Breeanna Hare, is responsible for the hard-hitting article a few weeks back on how Jennifer Aniston is fine with being single. This woman is the Edward R. Murrow of stupid. Good Night, and You Suck.

But Hare isn't the one I hate the most in this article. It's the hand models, and it's not because they make an obscene amount of money for All-Stating. It's for their views on what they do. They sound like George Costanza when he became a hand model in 'The Puffy Shirt' episode:

"The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand."

I'm looking at you Ashly Covington.

"Most people can walk away from work when they're done with a job, but parts models can't, because [our parts] have to be flawless. I moisturize 20 to 30 times a day, and wear gloves 90 percent of the time."

You might remember Ashly from such ads as La-Z-Boy, AMF Bowling and MCV Woman's Nursing. If not, check out her Web site to see what it is she can offer: ashlycovington.com.

It gets better.

"You have to know how to hold the hand so it looks beautiful."

I want to stick my average fist in her face.

Do I wish I had that job? Absolutely. Would I let everyone laugh at how ridiculous my profession is as long as I'm cashing $1,000 checks each day? Without a doubt. Would I ever let someone make a hand turkey out of my hand? Easy. These babies are worth some coin.

"I was doing a shoot where I had to pick up a cheeseburger and bring it to camera, but they wanted it to be the most delectable cheeseburger. So I said 'mmmm,' and really conveyed the emotion entirely to get it reflected in my hands."

When can we really see your range? Katherine Heigl me.

"I've had some of my mom's friends say, 'When will it be your face?' But I'm not trying for that. I'm really proud of all the places that my hands have been."

Hare really drives the point home with her glorification of the art that is hand modeling.

As a result, parts models have to do what seems like the near impossible: "Your hands have to convey emotion," Covington said, whose background in drama serves her well.

Did she study at the New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts? "This one time, at Hand Camp..."

With all of the reality TV showing what it takes to prance the runways, none depict the truth about being a parts model. There's the discomfort of contorting one's hand in an uncomfortable position for hours.

Covington's Web site has a bevy of reviews (you read that right) and this one is by far the best:

"An excellent and subtle performer, a pleasure to work with."-Brian Bartusiak, Producer Metro Video

Yeah, that is THE Brian Bartusiak, Producer of Metro Video. When you get his seal of approval, you've got a DeNiro/Scorsese partnership of digital proportions.

Congrats, Ashly. Let's all give her a hand.


  1. I <3 this Blog. Best blog ever inspired by my lil ole hands :)

  2. "I want to stick my average fist in her face.

    Do I wish I had that job? Absolutely."

    These two sentences sum up the whole of your very well written tirade

  3. What i really hate are blogs. Suhnoooooze.....ug. I'll never get those two minutes back.

  4. Oh, I love this. Because, clearly, you are an idiot, did not read the article, have no idea what kind of work is actually involved, and hate the very idea of beauty.

    So, well-played. You really showed those pesky hand models!